On the way to a better me

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Failing and lost

This sums up exactly how I feel right now. I feel that I'm failing at everything and succeeding at nothing. I'm lost (and mostly failing) at being a wife trying to support a husband with severe depression, being a mother, being a friend, being a daughter, weight loss(massive gain this week 1.6kgs). And when you strip away those things, I have nothing and am nothing so what is my purpose in life? If all those things are my purpose then how come I am failing at them? What happened to me? I feel like me is completely lost and I don't know where to find her and how to combine everything to make her and everyone else happy. That's all I want, for everyone to be happy, because I love them with all of my heart, my husband, my children, my mum and my friends. And me, I want to be happy too. I hate who I have become right now and it happened very quickly, like a lift failing and falling into a pit of sadness and failure. I'm feeling like everywhere I turn I see failure and I should just stamp it on my forehead and crawl into a hole *sigh*. I need to do some soul searching I think, where to start I don't know, and i'll feel guilty for it because I hate being selfish and thinking of myself.

Sorry everyone, clearly not out of my funk and having a pity party, i'll bring the dip :(


  1. I have been there and know how quickly you can fall. But I absolutely promise you it is possible to turn things around. For me the hard part was learning that looking after myself is not being "selfish". I still struggle a little with that now but I'm getting better. I started by changing my mindset. I will not allow myself to dwell on anything negative. Each day I look for at least one positive thing in my life. You won't feel sincere at first but after a while a funny thing happens. The negative thoughts stop coming and you genuinely feel good, or at least better than you do now. The more you can let go of, the more free you'll feel. Freedom = happiness.

    Please take it from someone who felt like life was not worth living and now can't wait to get out of bed each morning, you can turn it around. No, it's definitely not easy, but it IS possible.

    I wish you all the best. xo

  2. Oh darling - you are expecting too much of yourself ! You cannot be everything to everyone ALL the time. You are one of the most wonderful women I am blessed to have in my life. You make me laugh, you make me feel loved & supported - we are all here for you in the same way you are here for us. We love you. Please cut yourself a huge amount of slack and remember that life sucks sometimes - but not always. Love you lots & lots, Miranda xxx

  3. Firstly, the weight...I know it's been said before, but stuff like this is going to happen. You made a huge life-change when you began your weight loss, and no-one could doubt it has been an inspiring win thus far. You demonstrate the consequences of that change all the time. And now you've started what is a *different* big change in your life: exercise. Big things are going to happen from that, and your body's going to go WTF! and respond like it did when you began weightloss, sometimes in unexpected ways (it gets better, honest. You'll be surprised at the feeling of "fitness" that comes). Our bodies retain water for repair and maintenance, food builds up throughout our Tardis-like digestive system, and our bodies alter their makeup (musculature:fat), and let's be honest, most weight scales have odd variability in them too (speaking as someone who will weigh themselves five times a day, and occasionally get different readings just by having a shower)...it all makes that number a bit of a pin-the-tail attempt. That weight number is a useful guide to your success, but it's not a true measure of it. Your aim is to lose fat, not weight, & improve fitness (muscle, heart, lungs) so just let that number have a little pragmatism attached to it, especially now at the beginning of your Next Big Change.

    Secondly, and symbolic in the above, is that you are not "failing". Do you think any competitor in anything adds up all the events they've competed in and says "Okay, this is how many times I've failed...". Of course not - they just have times where they don't "win", but they try. You have way more wins than most, and the beauty of who you are is that your every attempt is a win to those who love you.

    Bec, you are a deeply generous person, with everything, and especially with your love. But the measure of yourself isn't the happiness of others. A measure of yourself might be your generosity, which is unimpeachable, but that's not all you are. People love you for you too: a warm, funny, gregarious person it is a joy to be with. Maybe, just maybe, if you spend this time with yourself you'll see that too. You really are a pleasure to be around (and I say that as a reclusive introvert). All your relationships and love and generosity springs from that *good* person that you are, and not the other way round. It is not selfishness (selfishness obliges others, but you give of yourself) to think about that person. And give that person its own time to think. If anything, it's due.

    And while, from experience, none of this reassurance may help when you feel in fear of drowning in it all, just keep treading water, because it *does* pass. It *will* pass. And we'll be here with the lifelines and the hands to help if you need them.

    We love you, Bec. I feel I've won something every time I remember that.