On the way to a better me

Friday, October 19, 2012

Good news and noxious people

So the good news is I lost 800g, so yay! That takes me down to 94kgs and having lost 31kgs, so that's a big plus. However this brings me to noxious people. A noxious person posted on my previous blog post (I have removed their comments but you can probably gauge the things they said from other comments), this person claims to be my "friend" and all I know about them is that they follow me on Twitter and are unwilling to reveal who they actually are. If they are indeed a friend of mine then they are the reason I wrote that post. Clearly I was right and don't know who my friends are, and now I am suspicious of the people I think are my friends because I don't know who this person is.

I'm not a selfish person, and don't often think of myself, when I wrote that post I was feeling a bit down. I don't feel down very often, and to be honest I keep a lot of things to myself and I think it's sad that when I am feeling down and I say that I am that apparently not all of my friends are there for me. As far as my number of tweets goes, yes I have a lot, I talk to a lot of people. If people tweet me, I respond, I'm not rude and I know how I feel when some of my tweets are left hanging in the breeze so I always try to respond if I have time although sometimes I do forget and they get lost in my feed. I also have indepth conversations with people, particularly if they are feeling down, knowing that someone is there to talk to when you're not in a good place is a good thing. My children aren't neglected, my house is pretty tidy and I tweet inbetween cooking, cleaning, baking, whilst I'm waiting for school pick up and in the evenings when the kids are in bed. My kids are small but they're independant and I am there for whatever they need.

I don't NEED people to respond to my blog posts, but it's nice if they do, this blog is for me and my thoughts and feelings and I really shouldn't have to justify myself to anyone, I'm not doing anything offensive or illegal and I don't need help, I just need friends to be my friends when I need them and when they need me and in the middle have fun and a laugh.

If the noxious person is reading this please remove yourself from my life or let me remove you for myself, you're not someone I need in my life I'm done with noxious people.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The meh feeling

Is still kind of with me, which has led to me feeling self doubt and back to the feeling that I'm just a blip on the radar of life. I guess this is coming as it's almost the end of the year and next year my babies are off to kinder which means the year after they are off to school which will leave me........???? I was hoping to start my own business from home selling baked goods over the internet and maybe at markets but upon getting the information it seems as though as it is going to be impossible as I just don't have the facilities or the space to be able to do it, and unless someone is going to buy me a shop or I win tattslotto (I might have to start buying tickets) my dream of selling my baked goods may never be a reality. Which means I'm back to feeling like this, and feeling like this makes me self doubt a whole bunch of things, like whether my friends that I call my friends are really my friends or do they just pity me? Past hurts contribute to this too and I feel very insecure and worry about doing something that might lose me friends, or I worry that maybe I might call them my friend but maybe they don't call me their friend but I've not done anything wrong so they let me just hang on but secretly hope I bugger off. A lot of the people I know are super smart or really creative and I wonder what exactly I have to offer them?

I know this is all probably a bunch of bull but it's how I'm feeling and as I said feeling like this brings back past hurts from friends AND family who have just dumped me even though I appear to have done nothing wrong, or have I and they just haven't said so? I'm sure if you're reading this you're rolling your eyes, I'm rolling my own eyes because it sounds stupid. But these are things that make me sad, like seeing people talk about their best friend and how great their best friend is and how they talk to their best friend for hours etc. I don't have that, no one has attached that title to me and I don't have anyone to attach that title to, which makes me wonder what is wrong with me that no one has.

This post is hard for me to write and probably idiotic but it keeps going around in my head and I feel I need to get it out. I know it's not my normal kind of post, but if I can get it out of my head perhaps I'll find some clairty with all of this.

Perhaps it's me pulling away from people, not them pulling away from me? Because I've been hurt I keep people at arms length? Not letting them in because I'm tired of being hurt by people? I also don't want to bother peole so sometimes I hold back, but maybe they feel the same way so they hold back from me too? I don't truly know, perhaps I should ponder this? Or perhaps I should just tell myself to stop being an idiot. I don't know what my future holds, I don't know what I will do with myself once all the kids are at school, I wish I could see into the future, then I could put my worries to rest, but I guess I'll just have to wait.

Does anyone else get these feelings or am I just a big stupid weirdo?

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Yeeeeeeesssss and meh!

Wooooooooot my first week has gone great, I lost 1.6kgs, yippee! So, so happy with that *does happy dance* but I've also been feeling a bit meh, which is why if you're on social media and you follow me you may have noticed that I've not been about, I've been escaping people for a bit and thinking about myself for a change, which apparently paid off :)

Anyway, bring on week 2 and we'll see how I go.

Monday, October 8, 2012

First few days

Hi All

My first few days are going well, drinking lots of water, not feeling too hungry, eating all my points, haven't used many bonus points, so am doing great. Of course will have to wait and see what weigh in day on Friday brings, I'll do my usual thing of not expecting a loss, I haven't done any concentrated exercise, but I have busied myself in the house.

I'm enjoying looking for new yummy recipes to make and have already planned our meals for the next week (which I usually do anyway), but I'm excited by the new recipes I have found. Have been having big, yummy breakfasts and find that I'm not that hungry by lunch, so I've been having dip, rice crackers and veggie sticks and then having a good family dinner (although tonight I had a KFC popcorn chicken snack box, but it was still in my points, hooray!) This is exactly why I love weight watchers so much, I can still have things like that and it's ok. Of course th stricter you are the easier it is to lose the weight, but it's nice to be a bit relaxed sometimes.

So, I'll be back Friday to let you know how I have or haven't done :D

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

It has begun

So, I haven't been indecisive, I have actually done what I said I would do, today I signed up to Weight Watchers, I tracked all my meals and I have had lots of water to drink. It'll take some time to get back into the swing of things, but I've made a good start.

I've picked Friday's to be my weigh in day, and I'll be on the look out for new healthy and yummy recipes, I hate getting stuck in a rut with food and eating all the same stuff all the time. So what's the damage you ask? It's not too bad, not as bad as I was expecting, I weighed in at 96kgs, which is still under 100kgs which I'm happy about, not happy that I've put on 4kgs since I last weighed in, but never mind, it will come off again.

Tomorrow is grocery day and I will be arming myself with lots of yummy things for myself to eat for various meals, so I don't get bored and can keep things varied. I've pulled out all my exercise stuff and will get started on that ASAP, slowly though as not to injure my back again. I'll probably start of with pilates, the yoga part on my Wii Fit, and walking on the treadmill, will work up to other things as I feel  my back getting better.

I'm determined to make this my last journey with Weight Watchers, hopefully this will get me to my goal and have me feeling great and get me to the point where I'll be able to just maintain, fingers crossed anyway. At least if I feel myself losing control again, Weight Watchers will always be there for me to fall back on, I'm hoping to not need it though. I'm hoping that I won't fall into a hole again and totally lose my mojo, my back being so sore didn't help, hopefully that won't occur again, fingers and toes crossed.

So, that is where I'm at on day 1.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I am the Queen of indecisiveness

Hello! So I thought I'd better blog again because true to form I have changed my mind about things. I have decided to once again join Weight Watchers. I'm hoping that this will help me find my mojo again and make me feel much happier, I was happier when I was actively losing weight and I want to feel that feeling again. I'm signing up again tomorrow and I am not looking forward to weighing in, but I know I have to. But I'm sick of being stuck in this rut, it's time to get out and hopefully by Christmas time I will be back into the swing of things and looking and feeling FINE. I need to do things for myself again, I'm starting to not like myself again and it's time to change this. I think I will go back to the little rewards as I hit each goal, that helped my motivation and made me feel good.

I know some people think I should be happy with how I am, but I'm not and it's time to change. I hope that once again you'll all support me and help me along on this second half of my journey, fingers crossed this will be all it takes for me to get to my goal and be happy with ME.

So tomorrow we get started, wish me luck :D