On the way to a better me

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The meh feeling

Is still kind of with me, which has led to me feeling self doubt and back to the feeling that I'm just a blip on the radar of life. I guess this is coming as it's almost the end of the year and next year my babies are off to kinder which means the year after they are off to school which will leave me........???? I was hoping to start my own business from home selling baked goods over the internet and maybe at markets but upon getting the information it seems as though as it is going to be impossible as I just don't have the facilities or the space to be able to do it, and unless someone is going to buy me a shop or I win tattslotto (I might have to start buying tickets) my dream of selling my baked goods may never be a reality. Which means I'm back to feeling like this, and feeling like this makes me self doubt a whole bunch of things, like whether my friends that I call my friends are really my friends or do they just pity me? Past hurts contribute to this too and I feel very insecure and worry about doing something that might lose me friends, or I worry that maybe I might call them my friend but maybe they don't call me their friend but I've not done anything wrong so they let me just hang on but secretly hope I bugger off. A lot of the people I know are super smart or really creative and I wonder what exactly I have to offer them?

I know this is all probably a bunch of bull but it's how I'm feeling and as I said feeling like this brings back past hurts from friends AND family who have just dumped me even though I appear to have done nothing wrong, or have I and they just haven't said so? I'm sure if you're reading this you're rolling your eyes, I'm rolling my own eyes because it sounds stupid. But these are things that make me sad, like seeing people talk about their best friend and how great their best friend is and how they talk to their best friend for hours etc. I don't have that, no one has attached that title to me and I don't have anyone to attach that title to, which makes me wonder what is wrong with me that no one has.

This post is hard for me to write and probably idiotic but it keeps going around in my head and I feel I need to get it out. I know it's not my normal kind of post, but if I can get it out of my head perhaps I'll find some clairty with all of this.

Perhaps it's me pulling away from people, not them pulling away from me? Because I've been hurt I keep people at arms length? Not letting them in because I'm tired of being hurt by people? I also don't want to bother peole so sometimes I hold back, but maybe they feel the same way so they hold back from me too? I don't truly know, perhaps I should ponder this? Or perhaps I should just tell myself to stop being an idiot. I don't know what my future holds, I don't know what I will do with myself once all the kids are at school, I wish I could see into the future, then I could put my worries to rest, but I guess I'll just have to wait.

Does anyone else get these feelings or am I just a big stupid weirdo?


  1. Darling Bec, you are awesome. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. I bet the people you think are holding you at arms length are afraid of exactly the same things you are, and ask themselves all the time why someone as cool and talented and lovely as you is friends with THEM. I know I think that! You are full of spirit and caring and strength and wisdom, and THAT is what you offer people, and I bet all the people who you have touched think the same.

    Not that what you're feeling isn't totally valid because it is, and it's completely normal to worry about what you're going to do when the girls are at kinder. It's a big change, and transitions are scary and hard.


  2. Bec, I totally get you. I've been feeling similarly for a little while and have put it down to losing my own identity somewhere around the birth of #1 nearly 7 years ago. Add #2 and #3 to the equation, and I don't own my own personality anymore. I also worry about what I'm going to do once #3 starts school, but I have a couple more years than you to wait for it. I'm kind hoping it'll sort itself out. Hang in there.

    PS. If your baked goods taste anything like they look, they'll pay for their own commercial kitchen

  3. "I worry that maybe I might call them my friend but maybe they don't call me their friend but I've not done anything wrong so they let me just hang on but secretly hope I bugger off"

    I feel this way about my friends too! You are really not alone, there.

  4. You're totally not a weirdo. Or you are, and I'm in your club :)
    I couldn't even blog today because of feeling inadequate, and wondering what it is I have to offer, with so many creative people out there. Friends ask me why I blog, and I'm thinking 'because I don't want to burden you'.

    I find though that the days of self-doubt pass. Next time you do something awesome, TELL YOURSELF you are awesome. Say it often enough, and you might eventually believe it. Build it and they will come or something like that? (If you happened to catch that crappy movie with Kevin Costner and a field). And you are awesome.

    Funny - i thought all this stuff was supposed to be over once we were all 'grown up with kids'. It never goes away does it?

  5. Oh Bec, you are so beautiful, and you are not alone. I feel exactly the same at times, I have a great bunch of friends there is only one or two that I would call my besties, but they have their own besties, not sure if they feel the same way about me...
    Chin up darl, my little girl is off to Kindy next year too, I am going to be lost without her, but I still have my little boy at home with me. It is just amazing how fast they grow up.
    Love you, and I am sure loads of others do too xx

  6. Bec, have felt these feelings over time, my girls are 15 and 12 and we have such a strong bond now, I did feel lost for a little while when they started school, now I worry about them growing and leaving home, I figure just enjoy every minute I can and there is always something new that happens to them and I get to share the experience with them, I have friends like you but you know what I have a best friend, I have had him for almost 30 years and I love him, sometimes I don't think you need 'other' friends, thankfully I have a job that I do enjoy but still some days think what if, I think you need to do what is best for you, you are a delightful thoughtful and caring wife and mum, knowing you only via twitter and your blog, and your tweets cheer me up because I love that you are so real and like you some days I don't really like my kids, but I always love them. You rock girlfriend remember that :) Cheers, Cathy xx

  7. You're not an idiot or weird. Keep the dream. Life is an unexpected journey, you never know what's around the corner. Hang in there and keep your hopes up.

  8. You're not a big stupid weirdo. If anything you're a shrinking stupid weirdo.

    Also, "Life", how about you get one and stop posting hurtful and distasteful and, while we're about it, factually inaccurate and upsetting comments on people's blogs.

    I'm sure your "life" isn't all peaches and cream, if it was you probably wouldn't have time to trawl around the intertrons looking for places to insert yourself.

    Do yourself a favour and crawl back in your hole, lest I trace your IP, find your address, come to your house and lay a gigantic stinky turd directly in your letterbox. No, that's not a euphemism or an idle threat. I really will come to your house and poo in your mail slot.



  9. Thank you so much for sharing this, Bec.

    It's incredibly refreshing to hear someone simply pour out their heart. So often we feel afraid of 'playing victim' that we end up just "picking our selves up and getting on with it", when in reality, we need to do the opposite.

    It's these moments of tension that propel us to the next exciting chapter of our lives. Analyse it. Dwell on it. Pour over it. Within this tension and this frustration lies your answer.
    Just don't spend forever in the analysing stage!

    Being on Weight Watchers is a really positive step. As you continue on it, I'm sure other parts of your life will start to fall into place too.

    Good Luck - can't wait to read the next instalment!

  10. Everyone is an expert on what should be done, as long as they know nothing about what they're opining on.

  11. Friends don't snipe anonymously. Identify yourself or fuck off.

  12. I'm with Ben. Prove your credentials, "friend", and what you actually know of Bec's life before you give such advice. That she tweets does not indicate that she doesn't have friends 'in real life'.

    Besides, she's not writing this blog for your benefit, so if you don't like it, don't read it.

  13. Okay 'Life'

    "Get off the internet and start doing something in the community" - Posted by someone that is currently....on the internet. Ooh, burn.

    "Volunteer. Get off your butt and go do something for someone other than your self" - This shows that you don't know Bec at all and probably stumbled across this blog while you sweatily Googled 'Yummy Mummies' to bat off to because your sister won't screw you any more since you got her pregnant.

    Bec has twin girls. If you think a stay at home mum of twins under school age has more that 3.2 seconds a day to think about herself then you're even dumber than your stupid, puerile, ill formed opinions initially suggested.

    "You are playing victim with this post. You want all of us to rush here and say 'buck up old chum' and all the glib shit above." - This again is incorrect but if Bec did need this there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    You see, when you're not a bottom feeding piece of shit like yourself, devoid of all redeeming features and suffering from a terminal case of knobrot you can develop something called 'friendships' with people - this is a supportive, two way relationship that allows us to be there for each other in both our brightest and darkest moments. If Bec isn't feeling good then I want to know because I care about her. She's important to me. Much like hanging on to your last remaining tooth is probably important to you. You feel me?

    "Well how about having a real deep look at yourself and why you are in the state you are in" - Yes, because the post you're commenting on isn't introspective in the least. Maybe get a grown up to explain it to you and try again?

    "Pick yourself up and get on with it for Christs sake." - No doubt she will if she hasn't already despite your ill informed, nasty, childish, gutless comments who is loved and respected more than a cock juggling thundercunt like you could ever understand.

    So how about you fuck yourself off and let the rest of us get on with it?

  14. Wow 'Life' I'm glad I don't have friends like you, I think that perhaps you should have a good hard look at yourself and the mean and petty things you say. Mums are still people and we also deserve sometimes to ourselves, and sometimes the option is on our computer, everyone to their own enjoyment, and should certainly not to be anonymously sniped at by people. Cathy Schafer @cathys43

  15. P.S, Thanks to you Bec, today I had my first weigh in at weight watchers, it was a hard step to take, but you gave me the courage to do it. Knowing that other mum's feel similar is an amazing support wether it is via twitter, facebook over coffee or whatever, mums should support each other as we all have those moments. So a big thankyou to you today for helping me to take a step in my new direction.

  16. Whenever I get in the mood that you are in I think to myself, what if I knew this were my last week on earth - would any of this matter any more? What would still be important? What wouldn't?

    It's an interesting leveller on what is important and what isn't to you.

  17. Embrace thy "weirdness" ... then tell it to feck off. Britt and I are trying so hard, like mega hard, to get our little home businesses off the ground, and there's heaps of obstacles, mainly cash lol, and we fight about them, and we get upset because things don't work, and then we read motivational quotes and feel better for a few moments.

    But in the end we just keep on trying.

    I wish I ha a success story to tell you ... though I kind of do ... we love each other more through our weirdness and our failrues :)

  18. Bec, I've written a similar post myself (http://blog.codenix.org/2012/04/01/value/), as it's a part of how I process things and deal with them. There's nothing at all wrong with being reflective and introspective - knowing yourself is important.

    Lucas (aka @codenix)

  19. Had seen your tweets today and have popped on here...what an honest blog post. You are very normal! I don't have a "bestie" either...! I've moved around a lot and made friends along the way...I've found in recent times that the ones who don't want to be your friend (not due to you but their own issues) usually display this by their actions in the end. If you aren't bring treated well...ditch them! Otherwise, having children, partners and other activities can make it hard to see the friends you treasure as much as we'd like. In the top 5 things of regrets people have when they die, is, not spending time with friends as time flies by...it's common!
    Hope this helps!
    Also, keep wondering what you'll do when the kids go to school and you'll discover it in time

  20. Oh Bec
    I read this & thought have you been secretly reading my mind, or channeling me on one of my own meh days!!!
    I love your openness & honesty & don't ever change that because of narrow minded people who clearly deserve our pitty as to attack beautiful people like you they must have some serious issues within themselves.
    Don't give up on your dreams, or dream of your own culinary career. Dr Phil said today the difference between a dream & a goal is a timeline to achieve it! And for once I went yeah that makes perfect sense.
    Your little munchkins start kinder next year you say, why not make up a flyer to put on the notice board at kinder or a hand out to go out with the notices with "Bec's Home-made Delights" for any occasion. Set out what items your selling & a price list, offer to cater for kids party's or just a weeks worth of yummy snacks for the household. Start small & dream big. As business grows word of mouth, before you know it you will be running your own baked goods empire. You could set up a Facebook page advertising your goodies & have your friends post it to their wall & you will be over run with orders. You could even approach local business or offices & offer to come around once or twice a week & sell your wares, people will fall in live with you & your food & you will be making a motsa before you know it!
    As far as feeling insecure in friendships I feel like that all the time to, it takes a lot for me to truely open up to people then I'm loyal forever, I have been burnt bad by some long time friends, over 20 years friendship & treated like "s#%*" to put it nicely, but one thing I have found when those negative Nancy's who bring us down & not boost us up leave us or our friendship it makes room in our lives for better people who appreciate us & support & encourage us to come into our life. You will find with the kids at kinder & then school that you will meet so many more people, you might be coffee buddies after drop off or become close friends, only time will tell.
    Trust me your kids & partner will be the bests friends you could ever hope to have.
    Don't let others drag you down, hold your head up high, I've never met you but I know from tweets & blogs that we could easily be BFFs or twins separated at birth some days. Stick with the positive people always life is far too short to take on nasty peoples issues we all have enough of our own to deal with. It's their issue not yours, dream big & hug those you love xox
    You give us other insecure ones faith that we are not all completely bonkers, & we all have something to offer the world we just need to work out what that is & run with it. Tomorrow is a new day & it will be a great one for you I'm sure xxx
    Libstarh @libstarh