Is still kind of with me, which has led to me feeling self doubt and back to the feeling that I'm just a blip on the radar of life. I guess this is coming as it's almost the end of the year and next year my babies are off to kinder which means the year after they are off to school which will leave me........???? I was hoping to start my own business from home selling baked goods over the internet and maybe at markets but upon getting the information it seems as though as it is going to be impossible as I just don't have the facilities or the space to be able to do it, and unless someone is going to buy me a shop or I win tattslotto (I might have to start buying tickets) my dream of selling my baked goods may never be a reality. Which means I'm back to feeling like this, and feeling like this makes me self doubt a whole bunch of things, like whether my friends that I call my friends are really my friends or do they just pity me? Past hurts contribute to this too and I feel very insecure and worry about doing something that might lose me friends, or I worry that maybe I might call them my friend but maybe they don't call me their friend but I've not done anything wrong so they let me just hang on but secretly hope I bugger off. A lot of the people I know are super smart or really creative and I wonder what exactly I have to offer them?
I know this is all probably a bunch of bull but it's how I'm feeling and as I said feeling like this brings back past hurts from friends AND family who have just dumped me even though I appear to have done nothing wrong, or have I and they just haven't said so? I'm sure if you're reading this you're rolling your eyes, I'm rolling my own eyes because it sounds stupid. But these are things that make me sad, like seeing people talk about their best friend and how great their best friend is and how they talk to their best friend for hours etc. I don't have that, no one has attached that title to me and I don't have anyone to attach that title to, which makes me wonder what is wrong with me that no one has.
This post is hard for me to write and probably idiotic but it keeps going around in my head and I feel I need to get it out. I know it's not my normal kind of post, but if I can get it out of my head perhaps I'll find some clairty with all of this.
Perhaps it's me pulling away from people, not them pulling away from me? Because I've been hurt I keep people at arms length? Not letting them in because I'm tired of being hurt by people? I also don't want to bother peole so sometimes I hold back, but maybe they feel the same way so they hold back from me too? I don't truly know, perhaps I should ponder this? Or perhaps I should just tell myself to stop being an idiot. I don't know what my future holds, I don't know what I will do with myself once all the kids are at school, I wish I could see into the future, then I could put my worries to rest, but I guess I'll just have to wait.
Does anyone else get these feelings or am I just a big stupid weirdo?