*sigh*

Yes, here I am again, I thought it about time I wrote on here again but I'm sad to say that I have lost my way a little bit :-( I know I've put weight on, much more than I would like I am guessing, I am too scared to go anywhere near some scales. I'm so disappointed in myself and I'm starting to hate myself again and this is not good. It's so easy to lose your way and I hate this fact. So here we are in 2014 and this is going to be my year, well I'm going to try really, really hard anyway. I'm on a mission to make this a great year for me and my family and I've put the wheels into motion to overhaul our lives for the good. I'm overhauling everyone's eating, the kids will have healthy and yummy lunchboxes and I will be eating less and healthier and moving more and drinking more water. I refuse to cut out everything completely because I still believe in "everything in moderation", life is meant to be lived and you cannot truly live if you worry about eating a piece of cake or having the sneaky take away meal for dinner. I know that I don't want us to live like this, this is my opinion and what you do or think is yours, I have no judgement on what you do.

I'm have also decided that I will be good to myself and look after myself and every so often I am going to take time out for myself and do things that I would like to do, I have been a full time stay at home mum for 8 years now and I think I deserve to do things like this. I am also going to beautify our home which will also make me feel better as we deserve to have nice things and enjoy our home. I think I have had a big epiphany and I'm going to work damn hard to make it all happen.

I have not given up my goal on getting myself to a weight where I feel happy about myself, remember this is my journey and how I feel about me and I am passing no judgement on anyone else but myself. I'm hoping to get there by the beginning of next year but I am setting no firm goals because I have totally let myself down on many occasion. With all my kids at school this year I will have plenty of more time to look after myself, make sure I eat properly and have the time to exercise without an audience and being asked to pour milk or break up a fight whilst I'm in the middle of my workout.

So come at me 2014, I am READY!!!!!

I have something to say....

This post has been moved to: http://whatbechastosay.blogspot.com.au/

Sad

A different kind of post today because if I don't I might spontaneously combust. I'm feeling quite low right now, it's hard to be the one that's up all the time you know? The holidays were long, hard and exhausting and I'm at the end of my rope. I'm tired of kids fighting, I'm tired of the girls hurting one another, I'm sick of hearing "muuuuuum", I'm sick of dealing with kids fighting/wanting me to open food/pour drinks/tell them they look good in their clothes whilst I'm in the shower/toilet, I'm tired of picking up everyone's shit, I'm tired of housework, I'm tired of days blurring into one another, I'm tired of not knowing where my life is going, I'm tired of feeling inadequate, I'm tired of worrying that my husband might leave me because of my inadequacy, I'm tired of worrying about losing friends because I'm not good enough to be their friend, I'm tired of feeling like I shouldn't like things because someone has a problem with those things, I'm tired of thinking things won't change, I'm tired of my brain telling me these stupid things to be tired of, I'm tired of feeling stagnate I'm just TIRED.

And I worry about writing this post and posting it because I don't want to bring others down and make them sad, but sometimes I have to let it out. And I hope by writing this post and getting it out that it will help me feel better.

And I'm not writing this for sympathy, or for you to judge me, or so you'll tell me how great I am or whatever nasty people will conjure up in their stupid heads, I'm writing this because I NEED to and this is MY blog.

I'm also sick of nasty people and their crap, and I will never understand their need to be nasty.

 And in closing:

I like One Direction and would like to be BFFs with them because they look like they have lots of fun.

I like the song Blurred Lines

Ryan Gosling isn't good looking

Anchovies are gross

Cheese Twisties are the best

I don't like Subway

You don't have to comment and my feeling will pass xx

Why hello there :-)

Hello there dear readers, if you're still there :-D I've been plodding along, still, yes I know, I plod a lot, but that's better than giving up all together right? RIGHT?? So I'm still going, I am in a healthy eating phase right now, and am losing winter weight (I assume, I haven't weighed in) thanks to lots of yummy salads and trying to drink lots of water, but still having regular things in moderation, I will never give up that because I think that's the way to go.

Exercise has been on an off, mostly off lately due to having cracked ribs, which I can tell you hurts A LOT, never been in so much pain before, not even when they cut me open to take the twins out. But I am on the mend now and will be getting back into that again shortly, slowly at first of course.

Am so looking forward to the warmer weather, it means more salads and lots of fresh yummy summer fruits, HELLO MANGO!!

So as you can see I am still here, I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth and I am still plodding along.

Noticed some old photos the other day and how much my face has changed since I first started, this and looking at the starting picture and all the support I have is what keeps me going, so here's a few pictures to show you:

Oh man, those cheeks, I'll always have the cheeks, have had them ever since I was born, but there's definite change of course. I'll keep on keeping on, it's not in my nature to give up :-D

Until next time xx

Selfies

Hello lovely readers, long time between posts I know, I really am terrible at this aren't I? Yes, I know, shut up. Anyway I am here now and I am here to talk about selfies. A lovely friend of mine Mrs Woog, wrote a blog post because she had posted a picture of herself which apparently cause someone to send her an email calling her "narcissistic" and saying "love yourself much", in which her response should've been "why yes I do because I rock" but anyway this lead me to think about selfies. Now I am a selfie whore, I love a good selfie and if you follow me on twitter or are my friend on Facebook you would be well aware of this. Someone asked me once why I took lots of photos of myself and my response was simple "I spent all up 20 years hating myself and avoiding having photos taken, now I'm happy with how I look I'm making up for lost time". I think this is fair, I mean I felt so terrible about myself there aren't many photos of myself with my children when they were babies and this is really sad when you think about it.

I will never understand people bringing others down, especially when they don't deserve it. All Mrs Woog did was post a picture of herself, it was offensive, it wasn't mean, it was a SELF picture, yet this person felt the need to bring her down. Well I say, post your selfies and be proud. If you love the way you look and you want others to see you then why not? The internet is a big place for everyone, if you're happy to share your photos then share your photos. Once upon a time I would never, ever have let anyone see my picture, I would never have taken my own picture, but now I'm a very proud photo taker and poser.

So, I emplore you, post your selfies and post them proudly. I want to see your selfies, whether it's because you think you look hot, you want to be silly, you want to practice your duck face, you want to embrace all the tired parents out there and show them you are not alone, post them, post them all, post them on twitter with the #selfiewhore and if you wish tag me in the post @becpobjie I want to see you in your selfie glory, you don't have to follow me, just show me your selfie, if you do follow me, pardon the swears ;)

Be proud of your selfies, here are some of mine:

COME FORTH AND UNITE SELFIE WHORES

Such a bad blogger

*Slinks back in*, well hello, hello??? Is anyone still out there reading? I know, I know, I am a terrible blogger. If you're still interested to read I am still plodding along, I've been naughty and not weighed in the last couple or weeks, again, I know, I know. But I HAVE been exercising, but this has been on and off, yes ok, shut up I KNOW! But you know bad stuff happens and it makes you feel like crap and you don't feel like doing anything like that.

But I always set out with the best intentions and I keep trying and that's the main thing right? RIGHT???? So anyway, when I kicked off my exercising again I had an epiphany on the treadmill, which may not be the right place to have a epiphany because you kind of have to be on the ball when you're on the treadmill, but I'm a rebel and I had one anyway. So my epiphany was: I am in charge of me, no one is running my show and I should do what I feel like. No one is making me exercise, I am my own (terrible) personal trainer. I don't have to set anything in stone, I don't have to have a set regime, I need to do what suits me on the day with the free time that I have. GENIUS! This made me feel so much better about exercising.

So now that I have figured that out, now I have to figure out how to get myself to drink all the water I should be drinking every day. Why is drinking water so hard?? It shouldn't be right? I'm terrible at keeping hydrated and I need to get better with that, maybe I should go to the pool in the hopes I'll have en epiphany about it if I'm submerged in water?, seeing as I had my exercise epiphany on the treadmill.

Have been thinking I should maybe set a goal weight goal again? I'm not sure. Maybe by my birthday next year? This is ample time really? Might help me pull my finger out? I wish someone would offer me a million dollars or something to sweeten the deal a little bit, anyone got a million dollars?

Anyway, I haven't given up hope, I'm still plodding along :D and I always have my before picture to keep me motivated ;)

Comparison Shots

Here are some comparison shots for you, 124kgs and now...

Oh man....

It has been so long, oopsies. I have still been plodding along, Christmas was great and we went away to Sydney to spend it with family. My plan for our holiday was to be good and to make sure I went for walks, but as per usual when you go on holiday all of that went right out of the window and it became "meh I'm on holiday". Am I the only one that does this? Gosh I hope not, and why is it that we do this? The good thing about my in-law's house has stairs and I had to go up and down them a lot to deal with the children, so it's not like I didn't get any. Anyway, we are back home now and I'm slowly getting back into a routine with my eating etc, once I hit my stride it will be fab. However I'm still scared to weigh in so I might wait until next Friday so I've had a few more days of eating properly.

I have decided also to get back into running now that my back isn't so sore, I've got the ease into 5k app for my iphone and Monday I will be hitting the treadmill. My girls are starting kinder and then I will be getting into more exercise as I will no longer be asked 200 questions whilst I'm trying to concerntrate on what I am doing, if anyone else has small kids and have tried to exercise with them around, you'll know it's almost impossible, and there's no way in hell I'm getting up at 5am or some other stupid time to exercise before they get up, I like my bed too much for that.

As I said in my last post I was going to go shopping the next day, and shop I did, I got heaps of things and here are some photos of some of the things I got.

I still have more things that I haven't yet taken pictures of but I will get around to it. It's a new year and it's time for new things. This year I will get to my goal, and my family and I have set goals too, we are going to have more fun and take more time out together, we are going to go away more and bascially enjoy life, last year there were some struggles and we hope with these goals in place maybe we can make things easier on ourselves. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and I hope you all have the most awesome 2013 xxxxx

Quick update

So I weighed in today, and I'm now very confident that last week's weigh in was off because of the Wii Fit battery (I really should buy proper scales) but going by the week before that this week I have lost 1.8kg's so yay! Which means I'm sitting at 93.3kgs which is good, I'd like to be at 90 or under by Christmas. Now if the sickness will leave our house for longer than a few moments I'll be able to get into some exercise which will be helpful in getting me there.

We've been good this last week and have not had take away once which is great and has been one of the aims of me being on this journey. Even though I get bonus points I'd prefer to go to a nice restaurant than just get take away, take away food makes me feel much more guilty than a nice meal at a restaurant.

Tomorrow is shopping day, I'll try to take some photos and post again tomorrow so you can see what I have bought, I hope there's good stuff out there for me to buy, will be disappointed if I go out and come home with nothing because it's all crap, wish me luck! :D

x

I'm here, sorry.

Hello lovely folks, sorry it's been a little while. I have been super busy and put blogging on the back burner to focus on that, and of course Christmas is looming and my mind has been on that as well. Have had ups and downs on the weight loss front, my last loss however was quite large, and I'm not sure whether to believe it or not as the Wii Fit batteries were low and so it may have been inaccurate but according to the Wii Fit I lost 3.6kgs last week. I honestly don't see how it's possible, I was sick (again), ate mostly poorly, did no exercise and didn't drink lots of water. So I'm assuming it was an inaccurate reading, I was just lucky or because I was sick (I slept quite a bit), will see what happens this next week.

I mentioned I have been busy, I was asked by a dear friend to bake 100 cupcakes for her son's, girlfriend's 21st birthday, which was the most cupcakes I think I've ever made, which was lots of hard work but so exciting and so much fun. She paid me for them which means I am going clothes shopping, this both excites and terrifies me. I desperately need new clothes, a lot of mine don't fit properly and don't make me feel like I look good. But I also loathe clothes shopping because all the feelings of the extremely overweight girl come flooding back. I really need someone to shop with that knows about clothes and can make me buy the right things and say "get that it looks good even though you don't think it does" or "you idiot that's too big for you, get the next size down". I'm so unsure of what will look good and will fit my new body shape. I'm also reluctant to enter some shops because I worry that the clothes won't fit and I will leave feeling shameful and embarrassed. I'm still not comfortable in my own body, unless I look in the mirror I often still see the old me. But I am lucky because I have changed and there's a lot more out there for me so I'm trying to be more excited. Shopping befor was so soul destroying, there's not much out there for large women on a budget. It's like clothing designers don't give a crap about plus sized ladies and that totally blows. No matter your size you should still be able to find clothes that make you feel good about yourself whether you love your body or not. You shouldn't just be lumped with hideous, outrageous, garish, clingy, polyester garbage that no one actually wants to wear, but have no choice but to wear it because there is nothing else. Someone needs to look at this because it's completely unfair and kind of disrespectful.

So on Saturday I'll be taking my mum and heading for the shops. I feel a little bit guilty spending so much money on myself, but I can't very well go about naked can I? So I just need to DO IT! It will feel nice to have a bit of a treat though and feel good about myself.

Well I'll leave it there and hope to check back in on Friday. I have a dr's appointment on Friday to address my tiredness issues and hope it'st just a matter of low iron and my last blood test showed low Vitamin D too (no wonder with our ridiculously long, cold, dreary winter), so hopefully it's still those matters and I can get on top of those. Wish me luck for shopping, will show you some pics of my purchases.

I'd just like to add a reminder that this is my blog, it's about me and my feelings and thoughts. I write it for me and anyone that is interested in what's going on with me and my weight loss etc :D

Thanks for reading xx

Good news and noxious people

So the good news is I lost 800g, so yay! That takes me down to 94kgs and having lost 31kgs, so that's a big plus. However this brings me to noxious people. A noxious person posted on my previous blog post (I have removed their comments but you can probably gauge the things they said from other comments), this person claims to be my "friend" and all I know about them is that they follow me on Twitter and are unwilling to reveal who they actually are. If they are indeed a friend of mine then they are the reason I wrote that post. Clearly I was right and don't know who my friends are, and now I am suspicious of the people I think are my friends because I don't know who this person is.

I'm not a selfish person, and don't often think of myself, when I wrote that post I was feeling a bit down. I don't feel down very often, and to be honest I keep a lot of things to myself and I think it's sad that when I am feeling down and I say that I am that apparently not all of my friends are there for me. As far as my number of tweets goes, yes I have a lot, I talk to a lot of people. If people tweet me, I respond, I'm not rude and I know how I feel when some of my tweets are left hanging in the breeze so I always try to respond if I have time although sometimes I do forget and they get lost in my feed. I also have indepth conversations with people, particularly if they are feeling down, knowing that someone is there to talk to when you're not in a good place is a good thing. My children aren't neglected, my house is pretty tidy and I tweet inbetween cooking, cleaning, baking, whilst I'm waiting for school pick up and in the evenings when the kids are in bed. My kids are small but they're independant and I am there for whatever they need.

I don't NEED people to respond to my blog posts, but it's nice if they do, this blog is for me and my thoughts and feelings and I really shouldn't have to justify myself to anyone, I'm not doing anything offensive or illegal and I don't need help, I just need friends to be my friends when I need them and when they need me and in the middle have fun and a laugh.

If the noxious person is reading this please remove yourself from my life or let me remove you for myself, you're not someone I need in my life I'm done with noxious people.

The meh feeling

Is still kind of with me, which has led to me feeling self doubt and back to the feeling that I'm just a blip on the radar of life. I guess this is coming as it's almost the end of the year and next year my babies are off to kinder which means the year after they are off to school which will leave me........???? I was hoping to start my own business from home selling baked goods over the internet and maybe at markets but upon getting the information it seems as though as it is going to be impossible as I just don't have the facilities or the space to be able to do it, and unless someone is going to buy me a shop or I win tattslotto (I might have to start buying tickets) my dream of selling my baked goods may never be a reality. Which means I'm back to feeling like this, and feeling like this makes me self doubt a whole bunch of things, like whether my friends that I call my friends are really my friends or do they just pity me? Past hurts contribute to this too and I feel very insecure and worry about doing something that might lose me friends, or I worry that maybe I might call them my friend but maybe they don't call me their friend but I've not done anything wrong so they let me just hang on but secretly hope I bugger off. A lot of the people I know are super smart or really creative and I wonder what exactly I have to offer them?

I know this is all probably a bunch of bull but it's how I'm feeling and as I said feeling like this brings back past hurts from friends AND family who have just dumped me even though I appear to have done nothing wrong, or have I and they just haven't said so? I'm sure if you're reading this you're rolling your eyes, I'm rolling my own eyes because it sounds stupid. But these are things that make me sad, like seeing people talk about their best friend and how great their best friend is and how they talk to their best friend for hours etc. I don't have that, no one has attached that title to me and I don't have anyone to attach that title to, which makes me wonder what is wrong with me that no one has.

This post is hard for me to write and probably idiotic but it keeps going around in my head and I feel I need to get it out. I know it's not my normal kind of post, but if I can get it out of my head perhaps I'll find some clairty with all of this.

Perhaps it's me pulling away from people, not them pulling away from me? Because I've been hurt I keep people at arms length? Not letting them in because I'm tired of being hurt by people? I also don't want to bother peole so sometimes I hold back, but maybe they feel the same way so they hold back from me too? I don't truly know, perhaps I should ponder this? Or perhaps I should just tell myself to stop being an idiot. I don't know what my future holds, I don't know what I will do with myself once all the kids are at school, I wish I could see into the future, then I could put my worries to rest, but I guess I'll just have to wait.

Does anyone else get these feelings or am I just a big stupid weirdo?

Yeeeeeeesssss and meh!

Wooooooooot my first week has gone great, I lost 1.6kgs, yippee! So, so happy with that *does happy dance* but I've also been feeling a bit meh, which is why if you're on social media and you follow me you may have noticed that I've not been about, I've been escaping people for a bit and thinking about myself for a change, which apparently paid off :)

Anyway, bring on week 2 and we'll see how I go.

First few days

Hi All

My first few days are going well, drinking lots of water, not feeling too hungry, eating all my points, haven't used many bonus points, so am doing great. Of course will have to wait and see what weigh in day on Friday brings, I'll do my usual thing of not expecting a loss, I haven't done any concentrated exercise, but I have busied myself in the house.

I'm enjoying looking for new yummy recipes to make and have already planned our meals for the next week (which I usually do anyway), but I'm excited by the new recipes I have found. Have been having big, yummy breakfasts and find that I'm not that hungry by lunch, so I've been having dip, rice crackers and veggie sticks and then having a good family dinner (although tonight I had a KFC popcorn chicken snack box, but it was still in my points, hooray!) This is exactly why I love weight watchers so much, I can still have things like that and it's ok. Of course th stricter you are the easier it is to lose the weight, but it's nice to be a bit relaxed sometimes.

So, I'll be back Friday to let you know how I have or haven't done :D

It has begun

So, I haven't been indecisive, I have actually done what I said I would do, today I signed up to Weight Watchers, I tracked all my meals and I have had lots of water to drink. It'll take some time to get back into the swing of things, but I've made a good start.

I've picked Friday's to be my weigh in day, and I'll be on the look out for new healthy and yummy recipes, I hate getting stuck in a rut with food and eating all the same stuff all the time. So what's the damage you ask? It's not too bad, not as bad as I was expecting, I weighed in at 96kgs, which is still under 100kgs which I'm happy about, not happy that I've put on 4kgs since I last weighed in, but never mind, it will come off again.

Tomorrow is grocery day and I will be arming myself with lots of yummy things for myself to eat for various meals, so I don't get bored and can keep things varied. I've pulled out all my exercise stuff and will get started on that ASAP, slowly though as not to injure my back again. I'll probably start of with pilates, the yoga part on my Wii Fit, and walking on the treadmill, will work up to other things as I feel  my back getting better.

I'm determined to make this my last journey with Weight Watchers, hopefully this will get me to my goal and have me feeling great and get me to the point where I'll be able to just maintain, fingers crossed anyway. At least if I feel myself losing control again, Weight Watchers will always be there for me to fall back on, I'm hoping to not need it though. I'm hoping that I won't fall into a hole again and totally lose my mojo, my back being so sore didn't help, hopefully that won't occur again, fingers and toes crossed.

So, that is where I'm at on day 1.

I am the Queen of indecisiveness

Hello! So I thought I'd better blog again because true to form I have changed my mind about things. I have decided to once again join Weight Watchers. I'm hoping that this will help me find my mojo again and make me feel much happier, I was happier when I was actively losing weight and I want to feel that feeling again. I'm signing up again tomorrow and I am not looking forward to weighing in, but I know I have to. But I'm sick of being stuck in this rut, it's time to get out and hopefully by Christmas time I will be back into the swing of things and looking and feeling FINE. I need to do things for myself again, I'm starting to not like myself again and it's time to change this. I think I will go back to the little rewards as I hit each goal, that helped my motivation and made me feel good.

I know some people think I should be happy with how I am, but I'm not and it's time to change. I hope that once again you'll all support me and help me along on this second half of my journey, fingers crossed this will be all it takes for me to get to my goal and be happy with ME.

So tomorrow we get started, wish me luck :D

Good news!

I'm back and I bring good news about my back. After my last visit to the Chiropractor I was basically in the same amount of pain I was when I first walked in there, which is NOT a good thing seeing as I had been lots of times and had to pay $60 for about 5 mins of "treatment". So I decided to go and see a lovely man who is housemates with a friend of mine and is a masseur and OMG BEST DECISION EVER. I am seriously considering becoming a man and marrying him because he made my back SOOOOOOOOO much better and it has been that way for weeks now. The Chiro made it feel better sometimes but it was never as long lasting as this. I am bend down, roll over in bed, put the girls seat belts on etc, all WITHOUT gasping in pain. I still get a little bit of pain, but I'm hoping that will ease with more massages, I've only had one so far which is amazing and I can't wait until I have more. I even got on the treadmill which I haven't been able to do for sooooooooo long. So this has me excited and will hopefully help me to get back on track in the not too distant future.

For now here is the most current picture of me that I took today :D

Hoping to have more good news next time :D

*sigh*

Hello Folks,

It's been a while huh? Sorry about that. I have come to the conclusion that I am stuck in a rut and am unsure about what to do about it. I am the Queen of indecisiveness (which I know drives my husband insane), and I do get myself into a pickle with not knowing what to do with myself. I am so not where I want to be and I just don't know how to get myself there. My back still hurts which doesn't help, but I have just been given exercises to start doing which does make me feel a bit better about things, not being able to exercise at all hasn't helped where I am. I decided against doing Weight Watchers again (see indecisive) because I felt too guilty about spending the money on myself (this is what I do) especially seeing as I really do know what to do, I just have to make myself do it. I'm struggling to find my motivation, especially the motivation to walk, walking is soooooooo boring, bring on the warmer weather when I can take the kids out walking and to the playground.

So here I sit, not knowing how much I weigh because I'm too scared to get on the scales to see how much I actually weigh (I don't think I have put on a lot, but I doubt I have lost any) and in a pickle about what to do and how to get my motivation back and how to get my back to stop hurting (I'm pretty sure I just have to keep going to my chiro) and get myself to where I want to be. I'm so frustrated I can't even begin to tell you how much and also disappointed, so very disappointed, if only I could just wave a magic wand *sigh*

So hopefully I will figure all of this stuff out and can get myself to my goal. Am looking forward to warmer weather because warmer weather means salads and I do love a good salad, and don't you dare say " You don't make friends with salad" or else I will come over there and beat you with a big stick.

Here I am again

I'm back, sorry, sorry, sorry. My how things have happened, I finally got my back seen to because I was in lots of pain all the time so I thought I should do something about it. Anyway I found out I have not one but two bulging discs in my back :( so it was no wonder really. My dr referred me to a Chiropractor which I have been seeing for a couple of weeks now, and oh my I love her so. It's feeling much better, although not at the moment because I was naughty and cleaned the shower and vacuumed the floor the other day, but things need to be done, but still, I shouldn't have because I hurt myself :( so, lesson learnt. Unfortunately with my back like this it means no running :( and no other form of exercise apart from walking :( So with this in mind I have decided that I will join Weight Watchers again, for a tighter reign on my eating seeing as I can't do any vigorous exercise to burn calories. I've put on a couple of kgs which I'm fine with seeing as I can't exercise as I want/need to and have been lazy with my eating, hence re-joining WW. I've also been sick with quite a terrible cold and have therefore been taking it more easy than usual, so I'm hoping that will sod off soon so I can start feeling better. We are off on holiday soon, to Sydney for a bit over a week and 3 days in QLD (I'm hoping it will be nice and sunny so I can defrost, catch some sun, thus making me feel better).

I'd like to now address an issue that quite upset me. Someone commented on one of my blog posts (I removed it) saying that I was "incredibly ugly", fair enough that people don't find me attractive, not everyone has the same taste, but to actually tell me was unwarranted and very nasty. I'm not a model and I'm not asking for critique, you're entitled to your opinion of course but please consider people's feelings before posting such comments, clearly this person did not, and I doubt that they were someone that loves and supports me and my journey, so poo to them.

So this is where I am at, not where I want to be of course but I'll have to lump it until I am able to move forward. If you read this, thank you for reading :D

My Purpose.....

what is it? I've been pondering this on and off and this is an on time and I still haven't got the answer. A lot of people I know do wonderful things, exciting things, important things, interesting things, and then there's me, who doesn't really do anything. I sometimes feel like I'm just a blob, just a blip in the world. I know I'm a daughter, a wife, a mother and a friend and those are important things but should I be more than that? And what makes these wonderful, exciting, important and interesting (and really smart) people want to be my friends?

I guess I'm feeling in limbo, there's not much I can do with 2 little ones still at home, but I'm feeling a little stuck. Same with my weight loss, that's in limbo too, I keep getting sick and working out and being sick don't really go well together unfortunately. I know I'll get back into it but I hate feeling helpless and being idle. I'm trying, but I can try much harder, which I will try to do once I'm better.

Gah! I don't know why I'm making this post, I guess it's better out than in, to help me get some clarity? I just feel at such a stand still, not going forward, not going backward, just still. I have grand plans for my future but will they always just be grand plans? I have no idea how to really do anything, I can be me, that's it, but I don't think I'll ever be satisfied just being me, I feel like it's not enough. But I'm worried that if I do try and put my grand plans into action that I'll fail at them and be back where I am now, and I don't know which would be worse, trying and failing or never trying at all. And what if I can never afford to do what I want to do, what then?

Blah, I guess I'll ponder some more and see what I can come up with. If I figure it out, I'll let you know. If you've read this, thank you, you need not respond, I think this is more a post for me than it is for you :-D