Epiphany or just duh!?

I have been pondering for a few hours how to write this blog post and I still haven't quite figured out quite how to do it but I'll give it a go, forgive me if I ramble, it's very personal and I don't like to talk about it and not many people know. But I figure I need to get it out there in the hopes that it will some how help me on this journey. So I was thinking today (not sure why today) about why I got myself into such a state with my weight. There's usually a reason for gaining a large amount of weight and I've never truly thought about it properly, or maybe I just didn't really want to think about it. But the time obviously came for me to think about it and hence the feeling to get it all out in this blog post.

Are you following still? So anyway, it came to me that my weight was just simply because of my life. My life has had many bumps in the road and bumps can be very damaging. My father was abusive to my mother and the brother just above me (I have 3 brothers and 1 sister, all half siblings who I never see), not me though. I remember one day mum slipped getting out of the bath and I ran down to get him to come help her but he just said "she'll get up eventually" and that was that. When I was 7 I remember him leaving, we must have been scared at what he might do because mum and I spent atleast 1 night out in our pool room (seperate building to the house) having to pee in a bucket. Not sure how long after he left but my brother in law (father's son from another marriage) came around to talk to mum, he asked me to go out to his car to get his smokes. I did so but lurking in the bushes was my father, he grabbed me and shoved me into his car and drove away. I think I remember screaming, I think I remember seeing my mum come running out of the car, it's a little hazy though. I don't remember what happened on the way there but my father drove me to my eldest brother's house (no relation to my father). I remember one of my other bother's coming to the house, my brother in law (sister's husband) and even the police, I watched all these people come to the door from my brother's lap, yes he was holding me so I couldn't get away, and there was NOTHING anyone could do, I didn't want to be there but my mum didn't have sole custody of me, so everyone was powerless.

I was made to stay there for a few weeks until I guess my mum could do something about it. I don't remember a lot about being there except that I was never allowed to go anywhere by myself. Not to the toilet, not to the shower and definitely not outside. One day I was outside and everyone was out of site and a bus stopped and asked me if I wanted to get on, I wish now that had gotten on but I didn't know my address, you can't just get on a bus and say "take me home to my mum please". Eventually I was returned home, my home was always where my mum was. But joint custody was awarded which was a pity, so I would go and visit my father, I don't remember how often. And then, I can't even remember why (maybe my brain doesn't want to remember?) but I stopped going to see him or maybe he stopped wanting to see me? he was told he had to pay for me still, only $100 a month, but did he ever pay it? Of course not. Anyway that's really when my weight started becoming an issue, grades 5 and 6 I was the fat kid *sigh* My father died on 2003, I happened to be reading the obituaries and there it was, got the biggest shock, I think I would often read them in the hope of seeing his name and couldn't quite believe that I was actually reading it. To say that I was sad or felt sorry for him would be lying, I was HAPPY. Because now I didn't have to look behind me anymore worried that he was going to be there.

Am I rambling? Sorry. In my early teens and my mum married again, he was ok, nice enough, would buy me stuff but there were times where he wasn't so nice. I'm not sure whether this was just him or because he was an alcoholic? But he would often whisper things at me, really nasty things and swear at me and look disapprovingly at me. Eventually things got bad, I don't remember how it started but there was a HUGE fight between him and my mum, it was something I had done or didn't do, I don't know but I think he went to hit me or mum thought he was going to hit me but she stepped in and hit him instead. We were gearing up to leave and he didn't want us to, well in actual fact he didn't want mum to, he wanted her to leave me somewhere, not sure where but he wanted her to come back without me.

Starting to sense a pattern? If you guess abandoment you win! Lots of abandonment, family AND friends, and I don't think I've ever done anything to deserve it. And I've dealt with it, it hurts but I've come to the conclusion that if they're going to do that to me then I don't really want them in my family or to be my friends. So I know that is no longer my problem but I'm sure it played a huge part in poor eating habits and probably over eating, food can't leave you can it? It's always there.

I think what it comes down to is that because of all those things, I hated myself, I didn't care and basically wanted to disappear. No one looks too closely at a fat person, only I guess to say or think "hey look at that fat person". And probably if others didn't care about me then why should I care about myself?

I can't put my finger on how exactly I got up to 150kgs after having my son. Things were great, so that still remains a mystery, unless I'd just become complacent? Was enjoying myself a little too much and not thinking about the consequences? I saw an obesity specialist who basically told me if I didn't lose weight I would have to have surgery. SURGERY, OMG, that's scary. I was so scared I never went back, lol. I decided that if I was going to do this then I would do it alone. I lost a bit of weight but I didn't get too far as I figured that eventually we'd have another baby so why ruin a good body after doing all that hard work (stupid thinking, would never do that again). So I think I yo-yo'd inbetween having Jonah and having the girls, I didn't weigh myself (I never did until I began this journey) probably because I knew it wasn't going to be pretty. I started my pregnancy with the girls at 124kgs ended up at 142kgs just before having them and got back to 125kgs when I started this journey. So clearly I know how to and can lose weight but clearly I wasn't in the right head space to carry on with it.

So why am I doing this post? I guess to get it all straightened out in my head and maybe to let it go, I think I've held onto it for far too long, although if you asked me I would have said I wasn't holding onto it but I actually think I was. I'm hoping that maybe being honest and telling my story and making myself I guess and bit vulnerable I will start to be a bit more honest with myself in regards to my journey. For example, little bits of this and that throughout my day won't hurt (uuuummmmm yes they will, stop being an idiot). I have done this and can continue to do this without exercise (uuuummmmm no you can't, look at those chunky thighs and saggy baggy belly). Coffee and tea count towards your fluid intake for the day (well yes but water is MUCH better for you doofus).

I guess the moral of the story is honesty is always the best policy. Be honest not only with others but also yourself, about anything and everything. Also your life can shape you in many ways, good and bad, it's how you choose to use it that makes the difference. I think all the bad things have made me a lot stronger because that's the way I chose to swing it, I'm glad I did because apart from my weight issues I really like who I am.

Ok, I think that's all I need to get off my chest. If you've made it all the way to the end and you read it all, thank you for reading, you're a super champ :D