Failing and lost

This sums up exactly how I feel right now. I feel that I'm failing at everything and succeeding at nothing. I'm lost (and mostly failing) at being a wife trying to support a husband with severe depression, being a mother, being a friend, being a daughter, weight loss(massive gain this week 1.6kgs). And when you strip away those things, I have nothing and am nothing so what is my purpose in life? If all those things are my purpose then how come I am failing at them? What happened to me? I feel like me is completely lost and I don't know where to find her and how to combine everything to make her and everyone else happy. That's all I want, for everyone to be happy, because I love them with all of my heart, my husband, my children, my mum and my friends. And me, I want to be happy too. I hate who I have become right now and it happened very quickly, like a lift failing and falling into a pit of sadness and failure. I'm feeling like everywhere I turn I see failure and I should just stamp it on my forehead and crawl into a hole *sigh*. I need to do some soul searching I think, where to start I don't know, and i'll feel guilty for it because I hate being selfish and thinking of myself.

Sorry everyone, clearly not out of my funk and having a pity party, i'll bring the dip :(

Back into it

Yes, you read correctly I have pulled my socks up and gotten back into it, had the best weekend with gorgeous friends and I'm ready to kick my own butt again and get into it. I will expect a gain tomorrow, because I would be stupid not to really. The situps, pushups and squats gave me a good workout on Tuesday, my muscles are still sore today which isn't good because I've got to do them again today and I just mamanged to do my C25K run yesterday because my legs were dead, lol. But I shall press on and hope that I don't further injure myself and hopefully look forward to a loss next week.

And hooray! it's spring and thankfully the weather has been nice so we've been able to walk to school in the afternoon to collect my son which is lovely so I get a little more exercise in my day which is great. Will try to blog me weigh in tomorrow if I get a chance :)

Well that was a surprise....

I lost 200g this week. Not much but at least it's in the right direction, so huzzah! So my weight is sitting on 92.5kgs, total loss of 32.5kgs with 22.2kgs to go. And so now I'm coming to the lowest weight I have gotten to so far 92.0. I've never been under that before, I don't think I'm capable
of losing big numbers anymore so I'll expect it to take me a few weeks, but I am determined to get into the 80s DETERMINED!!!

As I said, I'm going to take the weekend off, enjoy time with gorgeous friends and good food, then start again on Monday. I'm going to track ALL my food, ALL my exercise, am going to DO ALL my exercise and I'm going to drink ALL my water. But most important of all I'M GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS FUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I don't you have permission to give me a swift kick in the behind.

*sigh*

Well it appears that my mojo has completely gone now :( This makes me really sad and I hope it comes back soon. I hate feeling this way but I guess it was bound to happen really, acutally it's probably not the first time, I can't remember. But man this is a looooooooooong difficult journey, really, really difficult. And don't get me wrong, I know I've come a long way and it's not like I'm not seeing results but I do still have such a long way to go.

I try not to do such negative posts but I just feel in such a funk right now and I'm not sure how to get out of it. I think I will take the rest of this week off, have a lovely weekend with lovely friends and hope that my mojo returns on Monday.

Expecting a terrible weigh in tomorrow, but I guess I'll cross that bridge tomorrow, not going to help my funk though *sigh*

Finding it hard.....

Hard to stay motivated with my eating. For some reason this week seems to have gone to hell, and I'm not really sure why, perhaps the monotony of it all? Exercise isn't a problem, I'm totally motivated with that, but my eating, nope. Not that I'm going and eating a whole bunch of rubbish (well only a little bit) but I'm not binging or anything but I'm just not caring. I don't think I've been eating enough with all my exercise as I haven't been putting it into my tracker and therefore have been having extra points and not using them, possibly that's why my weightloss has slowed down? Which sounds weird I know but you do need to eat enough of the right things TO lose weight.

Anyway, I'm going to assume this week will be a write off, I will definitely be expecting a gain unless I find my motivation somewhere by tomorrow. I'll keep up with my exercise, probably even step it up a bit, but don't be surprised if I am reporting a gain on Friday, I know I won't be.

Eureka!

A loss, hooray! 600g only, but maybe I'm done with the big numbers now, which is a shame because I'd love another big loss to get me down into the 80s, I'm yet to crack the 80s and I'd really LOVE to, that's my next mini goal. So my 600g loss takes me to a total of 32.3kgs lost and my weight is sitting at 92.7.

Am up to week 5, well completed sort of, week 5 of C25K. And OMG sooooooooooo hard. I didn't want to vomit and die which was good but I did step on the sides a few times to talk myself out and then in of finishing. So because of that I will repeat week 5 and be sure to finish it properly. Still doing situps, pushups and squats. They're getting easier and I'm no longer getting sore afterwards thank goodness, because I was in SO much pain.

Onto photos, I got new hair and we went to the wedding I mentioned in my previous post :D









So there we have it folks, lets see what this next week brings :D

A gain *sigh*

Only 300g, but it's still annoying. I've been keeping up with my C25K, which is running for 3 minutes as well as 5 minutes and I have also been doing situps, pushups and squats (only once though, will talk about that in a minute), but I'm assuming I have put on muscle and that's accounting for the gain, but still grrrrrrrrrrr. It's much nicer to see the scales going down, but I think I will go to taking measurments more regularly now because in a week I lost cms so that is encouraging. But I also must remind myself that I am also getting fitter which is also a plus of doing all my exercise.

Back to the situps, pushups and squats, OMG they are HARD. I'm still in pain from doing them, paticularly the squats, clearly I've not used these muscles nearly enough before now. I've not done them again since because I have been sooooooooooooo sore, but I will, I think I will slot them in between the days I do the C25K which means I'll be doing some form of exercise every day with Sunday being my rest day.

So that's where this week has taken me, lets see what this next week brings, I've been a bit indulgent this weekend I will admit, so I'll be working VERY hard this week to hopefully not see a gain, eating extremely healthily and maybe even saving a few points here and there because I think I will have used more than my bonus points, oops!

See you next week, I'm sure i'll be late with my post AGAIN, because we have a wedding on Friday :D :D